For you the holidays may be a time for candles, music, eggnog, deceiving children, naked snow angels, self medication or arborcide but for me it’s all about the turtleneck. Fashion police be damned there is nothing more satisfying than slipping a fabric foreskin over your head and presenting your fat face as a disembodied orb, born again into the world.
5 lesser know facts about this neck warming fashion icon
- Turtlenecks Helped Put Queen Elizabeth on the Throne– It’s ironic that this comfy trend was born in the Middle Ages. Medieval fashion like hair shirts, chastity belts, woolen knickers don’t conjure up images of cozy fireside tranquility. But suits of armour and chainmail headpieces would rub the skin as William the Conqueror’s soldiers charged into battle. The invention of the turtleneck enabled them to turn their heads without chaffing, ergo domination.
- Cholera Camouflage– So proud of the turtleneck in the 1500’s that fashionistas at the time would wear ruffled fabric neck wreathes to bring more attention to their new neck sweater. Historians believe that like white cake makeup and wigs, t-necks were a good way to hide unsightly and contagious rashes.
- Polo Players Brought it to the Bourgeoisie– A workingman’s necessity before, in the 1860s upper crust Polo players with an aversion to the necktie, took a mallet to status quo and incorporated the look into their uniforms.
- Increases IQ by 20 Points- Based on feelings by steamed researchers at Trump University, it seems the mere act giving birth to your own head makes you smarter, or at least feel smarter. Joining the ranks of Andy Warhol, Audrey Hepburn, the Beat Generation, mimes and Steve Jobs has a scientifically unproven psychosomatic effect on your confidence and intellect. Enjoy it!
- They are Back- Some will say t-necks never went away. But 2016 has seen a boomerang of the turtleneck back into the mainstream, not seen since the early 90’s. This proves like herpes there is no cure for turtlenecks. It may hibernate, but every 20 years it will return like a fashion comet, burning its comfy memory into our digital photo subconscious.