O Tannenbaum in Reverse is Muabnennat O

I feel silly for caring and talking to you in the first person, but I felt a melancholy chucking your browning carcass onto the improvised and growing hill of previously loved trees in Eel Brook Common. When I walk the kids or dog past I make sure to give a glance. You seem like you are doing fine. The rain must feel good. Truly thanks, was so fun having you. A house is never as full as when a Christmas tree is in the Living Room.

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Help! Kids Holding Parents Hostage at 35,000 Feet

Do you ever have those moments as a parent where you are sure you have the worst behaved children on the planet? Well you don’t have to worry, because we have that trophy sitting on our mantle, right next to a huge gold cup draped with numerous first place and runners up medallions, souvenirs from the World’s Worst Parents competitions that we enjoy. Some folks in their thirties and forties like 5Ks or ½ marathons, not us.

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When this creation makes an appearance on a salad (or veg, or chicken…), everything becomes one million times tastier. If there were an Oscars for Salad and Rocket Lettuce was asked who it was wearing this evening, this dressing would be the Diana Von Furstenberg, or Tom Ford of culinary couture.

The type of salad that wears this liquid ambrosia would feel questions of attire are superficial. It knows that there is a personal, poetic and philosophical depth that is ignored when we only focus on its otherworldly, three-dimensional aesthetics.

This life-changing-world-peace-inducing Hyperbolic Salad Dressing is rooted in simplicity. It would feel imprisoned in an ostentatious hand cut crystal carafe. I recommend using an old jam jar and keeping a batch at the ready. It’s laidback but does require refrigeration after use.

Pro Tip: When making the recipe put a sharpie mark on the jar so you don’t have to lug out (and wash) the measuring cups while making subsequent batches.

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½ Cup of Extra Virgin Olive Oil– The extra virgin olive oil is the oil in the base paint that provides the medium for this Technicolor Monet only visible to the tongue. And yes, the EXTRA virgin is needed. Olive oil has long been associated with healing and anointing, and the long living olive tree has long been a symbol of longevity and peace. The virgin is virtuous, but does not have the necessary exquisite moral character that is required to get into taste bud heaven.

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3 Tablespoons of Balsamic Vinegar– The Modena region of Italy, land of romance and love, produces unique grapes nurtured in its rocky soil and persistent sun. This grape juice, when boiled down and placed in wood barrels for a minimum of 12 years comes out as a complex gar of the vine. The personality of this vinegar is so strong and jovial, that it must be diluted. It brings a sublime soprano to the oil’s velvety baritone.

1 Tablespoon Dijon Mustard– If the vinegar is the strings section of this dressing, then the Dijon is the horns. The small seed is used biblically to represent the size of ones faith. You don’t need faith to put this tablespoon in the jar, just smarts. Dijon brings a French complexity and maturity to the dressing and elevates the dressing from mere pedestrian condiment to a layered and sophisticated work of art. Dijon is never a bore, and is expert at keeping the conversation of the dressing going in a lively way while supporting and never overpowering the other ingredients contribution and point of views.

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1 Clove Garlic– Of the five tastes, sweet, sour, bitter, salty, the macho nobility of just one garlic clove is enough to add the fifth taste and recent addition to the band umami. Garlic also acts to ward off the evil eye, acting as the bodyguard of the jar making sure demons of bad taste are kept at bay.

Pinch of Salt– Salt is life, and is in our tears, sweat, blood. Salt is the only edible rock. Salt has built and collapsed dynasties. Salt is true performer and is only there to enhance and support the other actors. The only salt to use is the salt of Kings, seawater harvested, hand pulled Maldon flakes from Essex in southwest England.

Pinch of Pepper– Grown in India on huge climbing vines, the berries of the pepper plant are hand picked, soaked in water and dried under the sun. When milled the pepper berry releases potent and powerful properties, including courage, positive anger, protection and stamina.

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As the jam jar shakes vigorously you combine the earth, sky, sea and sun. Nations achieve harmony. E Pluribus Unum, you have just made the Pink Floyd of salad dressings.